Blokes Corner
Any (Publishable) Contributions to
blokescorner@theswanhanham.co.uk
 Remember the days of
good, wholesome food; little boys on bikes climbing cobbled streets with a
basket full of Hovis loaves; John and Fanny Craddock with one of the first
televised teach-yourself to cook programs?
Well this is an ad from that time of sweet innocence and simple pleasures!
Cheers -
Paul O
Don't
tell me Soldiers aren't brave - this made me weep
Cheers - GI
Cheers - 007
Have a monkey laugh
Cheers - 007
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Checkout your car's air
conditioning
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First
- set up the controls
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Second
- install the testing unit |
Cheers - 007
Advice for ladies section
Remember
ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes. That's why it's so
important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied. If it weren't for the
excellent application of proper eye makeup this young lady probably wouldn't get
a second look from most guys...
Cheers - 007
Man says to his wife: darling what would you do if I said won the lottery?
Wife replies: I would take half, then leave you
Man replies: excellent, - I had three numbers and won a tenner, here's a fiver
now get lost!
"Dear Jonathan Ross - I've screwed your daughter.
Who's laughing now..."
lots of love - Gary Glitter X
 Blokes Corner husband of the year awards.
In conjunction with "Male Chauvinist Pig" magazine - click on image
Source: Scary - needs Powerpoint viewer
Would you do me a big favour?
I know everyone is probably asking you, but could you lend me your face for
Halloween?
cheers Mike (Povey)
85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower -
the other 15% haven't been to prison yet!
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They've bought 5 million tons of sand from the arabs and they are going to drill
for their own oil!
A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood.
All the bats get excited and asks where he got it from.
"Follow me" he says.
Off they flew over hills and dales, valleys and hills and into the dark forest.
Suddenly he stops "See that tree over there" he says
"Yes" they say
"WELL I F***ING DIDN'T!"
cheers Mike (Povey)
Husband accompanies his wife to a school
reunion.
He says " Christ, who's that pissed-up bloke asleep on the couch?"
She says "that's my ex, we split up 15 years ago and he hasn't stopped drinking
since"
Husband replies "Christ, how long can one bloke go
on celebrating for?"
Holiday snaps
from Messrs. Seward and Dangerous holidaying
in Florida.
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You go all that way to get away from the
Swan regulars and guess who you meet? |
????? |
Stay on
Target
don't think the RAF would appreciate it
if one of their typhoons displayed this...
contribution form Paul |
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Paddy runs into the pub and
shouts to Mick "someone has stolen your car!"
Mick says "Did you see who did it?"
Paddy says "no, but I got the registration number!!"
An 83 year old pensioner has been sexually
assaulted with a hoover nozzle and left for dead.
Police say she is in intensive care, but she is picking up nicely!
I was in
B&Q the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young guy
pushing his trolley.
I said to
the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I
wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'
The young guy
said, That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't
find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
I said,
'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? '
The young
guy said, 'Well, she is 22 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes,
long legs, big boobs. She's wearing tight jeans, a tiny white t-shirt and no
bra.
What does your wife look like?'
I said,
'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
contribution form G.I.
Man asks wife what she would like for her
birthday.
She looks out of the window at the Porsche parked on next doors drive and says
"I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds"
So he went out and bought her a set of bathroom scales!
If booze is bad for you, why did Jesus turn
water into wine?
| Beer Study |
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No wonder the groom
is smiling!
contribution form G.I. |
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Signs that you may have had too much to drink
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes
through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse
when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the
plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no
one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE
on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they
all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a
woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he
starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He
removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and
extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
How do you fix a woman's watch? - It doesn't
matter. There is a clock on the oven....
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? - She starts her
sentence with "A man once told me..."...
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" - I said, "Dust!"...
Why do women have smaller feet than men? - It allows them to stand closer to the
sink....
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are
wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows
the town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his
father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son
in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and
rested. Then God created Woman. - Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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A wish is granted
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More Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Women
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth something
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your
breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to have a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. beer doesn't demand equality.
Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Women
1. You can enjoy a beer all night long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
5. When your beer goes flat, you chuck it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer tops come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a pub, you can always pick up a beer.
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How can you tell if your wife is dead?
- The sex is the same but the dishes pile up
How many men does it take to open a beer? - None. It
should be opened by the time she brings it
Why do women close their eyes during sex? - They can't
stand to see a man have a good time.
What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? - A women
who won't do what she's told.
Why did the woman cross the road? - That's not
the point, what's she doing out of the kitchen?
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
- A battery has a positive side
How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- 4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? -
11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..
In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is
seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm.
'Well you see, Norm, it's like
this………….. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that are killed first. This natural
  selection is good for the herd as a
whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same
way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But
naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making
the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you
always feel smarter after a few beers.'
Sounds good to me.
G.I
"Cheers" G.I. - bases upon that premise - a few of the Swan regulars ought
to be contestants for Mastermind or The Brain of Britain!
The question is, What does a 23st woman look like?
Now, before you look at her pictures, get a mental
image of what you think a woman who weighs
23st looks like....
Traffic Question
Most men will get this right!
Q:
You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a
NO
PASSING
sign posted,
and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do
you:
(a)
Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for
the next 2 miles, or
(b)
Do you break the law and pass?
Which is the correct choice?
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and
watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing
the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his
groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be
fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed
her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened
his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage
for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
cheers
G.I.
As I
walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my
eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in
every city these days. Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying
every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this
persons condition.
Some people turned to stare.
Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago priest who made an admonition to 'care for the sick,
feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge
to reach out to this unfortunate person. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I
saw a
hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach
out!'
Growing older
Source: Stoney C.
 New Mouse designed for Women
After many years of research, scientists have
discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's.
Scientists found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is
more of a psychological problem. Some women reported that their mouse "just
didn't feel right" in their hands. Based on the research, a new mouse has been
designed especially for women
Guts or Balls...
There is a
medical distinction. We've all heard about people
having guts or balls, but do you really know the
difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is
arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the
guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you
flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is
coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your
collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having
the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the
definitions. Medically speaking, there is no
difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death.
Source: Stoney C.
A man rang the local newspaper
to place an obituary for his wife who had recently died.
He only had a pound and
could afford only 3 words.
He wrote "Margaret is dead".
The clerk felt sorry for him and paid for him to have 3 more words.
He wrote "Margaret is dead - Fiesta for sale"
How
to determine a bird's sex
Source: Scary,
needs Microsoft Powerpoint Viewer and sound |
How
men's underwear should be advertised
Source: Scary,
needs Windows media player and sound |
 Why
are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. |
Ultimate Female Body
piercing. Not for the faint hearted!!!
Men all over the country are urging their wives and sweethearts to get
this 'chic' procedure. The private clinic waiting list in the country
now exceeds 10,000 so get in quick. In special cases it can be funded
with a NHS/marriage guidance grant.
Many men feel it is well worth it
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What is the difference between a golf
ball and the G-spot? - a bloke will take ten minutes looking for a golf
ball |
Harley Davidson have released two new
models for 2008
courtesy of Cares -
Women's' rights campaigner |
Male
Model |
Female Model |
You have just walked out of the church after
your delightful wedding ceremony and on the church steps, both your families are applauding
you with a hundred friends gathered around. The
photographer raises his camera and following
your family's tradition, both of you are
holding beautiful live white doves which you
will release together. Bride and groom stand
happily shoulder to shoulder with a dove gently
held in both hands as everyone eagerly awaits
the climax of your marriage vows. The
photographer gives the ready signal and you open
your hands toward the sky and release the doves
as a symbol of your eternal love. Not a dry eye
anywhere, such a moving sight, the camera
flashes and the moment is captured for all
eternity.............
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A husband and wife are shopping in a supermarket
when the man picks up a crate of lager and sticks it in the trolley.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans", he says.
"Put them back, we can't afford it" says the wife, and they continue shopping.
A little later, the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the
trolley.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the man.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful" she says
"So do 12 cans of lager and it's half the price" the man replies |
| Definition of a mistress - something between a
mister and a mattress |
A guy arrives home with a Duck
under his arm and announces, "This is the pig I've been screwing all
these years when you're not up for it."
His wife says, "I think you'll find that's not a pig, that's a
Duck."
The man replies, "I think you will find I wasn't talking to you."
cheers Paul |
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