Blokes Corner
Any (Publishable) Contributions to
blokescorner@theswanhanham.co.uk
How do you turn a fox into
an elephant?
Marry It!
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
You made her chain too long |
Scientists have
discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven |
| What
women find sexy! |
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Old Chinese Proverb
Confucius say, "If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for
which you search, you are obviously in the...... |
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Another memory stick has
been found at the Swan. Do you recognise this personal photo. Will be
discreet!!! |
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Wanted - Good woman |
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New seat belt |
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| Human
control box |
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Marriage |
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| Put the
spark back into your relationship! |
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| Sex
Life |
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WHEN YOU ARE IN DEEP
TROUBLE,
LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD,
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT & SAY NOTHING |
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Cheers - Cares |
| The
difference between Men & Women |
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| WARNING DATA SHEET |
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SNOW SHOVELLING SCAM
Heavy falls of snow are again forecast and I wanted to warn you of this
scam. Please be on the lookout for this pair in case they appear at your
door.
They offered to shovel the snow from my driveway for only £10. Not ten
minutes into the job they were at my door complaining about being cold.
They said they wanted to come in to my house and get warm for a while.
Well, three hours later, they ended up leaving without finishing the
driveway. I didn't get anything done around the house because I was
afraid to take my eyes off of them.
Please don't let this happen to you!
Fortunately, I took their picture before they left so you should be able
to identify them if they call on you. If these two appear on your
doorstep, don't say you weren't warned!
Cheers - Cares |
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| The Penguin Joke |
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How can
you determine the sex of a bird?
needs Powerpoint viewer
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| Family
planning |
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How
fast can you guess these words?
Cheers - 007 |
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That's life!
Cheers - Cares |
 Sometimes,
we try too hard to get to the greener pastures.
In the process, we end up in trouble........
And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a situation
that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should
always remember.......
Not everyone who shows up....... |
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T-Shirts say it all!
Escaped Convict
A man escapes from a
prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent
a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us
both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you too.'
Cheers - 007 |
| Brains
- a comparison |
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Marriage |
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MOTHERHOOD IN THE ANIMAL
KINGDOM
Cheers - Cares |
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FOOTBALL FANS OF THE WORLD
Cheers - Cares |
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Tighten your what?
Cheers - 007 |
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She's got Tiger by the Tail
Cheers - Cares |
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Men in Training
Cheers - Cares |
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Who says that women golfers are at a disadvantage
compared to men?
Matching lavender outfit: £2,000
New pair of French sunglasses: £100
Nike products endorsements: £10,000,000
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Girls
night our permission slip
Cheers - 007 |
Boys
night our permission slip |
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New
Washing Label
instructions |
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New Car Park:
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially
during evening hours, the Bristol City Council has established a 'Women
Only' car park at the Cribbs Causeway Shopping Centre.
Even the car park
attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe
environment is created for patrons.
Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only car
park in the United Kingdom
Cheers - 007 |
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As you age, your powers of
concentration are diminished. This seems to affect men more than women.
Men's degree of loss can be determined by this test
Cheers - The Moogster |
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Raffa
flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football.
He is suitably impressed and arranges for him to join the squad at
Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at Chelsea with only 20 minutes
left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals and wins the game for Liverpool.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the
media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about
his first day in English football.
'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says (in an Iraqi accent). 'I played for 20
minutes today. We were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody
loves me, the fans, the media - they all love me'.
'Wonderful,' says his Mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang
raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all
while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset, 'What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry.'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his Mum, 'It's your bloody fault we moved to
Liverpool in the first place!'
Cheers - 007 |
Swan Internal Detectives (S.I.D.S) evidence
- see
News blog
Why I fired my Secretary
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday !
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me?
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. |
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
do we ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch...
Boll**k naked
Cheers - Cares |
 Fairy Tale
Once
upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And
the guy lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and went fishing and played
golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of
money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and
farted whenever he wanted.
The
end
Cheers - Cares
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Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Bristol , where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Cheers -
Cares |
| And you
thought you had a crap job?! |
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Boob job
Cheers - 007 |
Model
sues Mexican surgeon for not making her nipples "even" after a breast
impant.
Ms.Segovia says she plans to contact her lawyer and file a lawsuit in
the National Court of Justice Mexico. |
Dr
Bavaria says he sees nothing wrong with Ms. Segovia's breasts.
"Hell - they look perfectly normal to me, I don't understand what all
the fuss is about!" |
Glasses Required?
Cheers - 007 |
Look
carefully at the following picture: |
next: |
When men were men
Cheers - 007 |
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The Man Rules
At last a bloke has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1.. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. |
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is
inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us
to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both..
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as football or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! |
Cheers - 007
 Woman's skull found
Cheers - 007
Cheers - 007
2009
Blonde Calendar
Source: Cares - needs Powerpoint viewer
Do
you Know the difference??
Source: Cares - needs Powerpoint viewer
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none
will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
* A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.
BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bin,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night. (God how true!)
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears
and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Cheers - 007
 What
goes wrong when someone who is ESL (english as a second
language) writes the punch line for Gaviscon...
Cheers - 007
A few golfing jokes
A gushy
reporter told Phil Mickelson, 'You are spectacular and your name is synonymous
with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your
secret?'
Mickelson replied, 'The holes are numbered.'
---------------------------------------------------
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3 the priest asks,
'What are you going to use on this hole my son?'
The young man said, 'An 8 iron, father. How about you?'
The priest said, ' I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.'
The young man hit his 8 iron and put the ball on the green.
The priest topped his 7 iron and dribbled the ball out a few yards.
The young man said, 'I don't know about you father, but in my church when we
pray, we keep our head down.'
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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5 iron
standing over a lifeless man. The detective asked, 'Ma'am, is that your
husband?'
'Yes' says the woman.
'Did you hit him with that golf club?'
'Yes, yes, I did.' The woman began to sob, dropped the club, and puts her hands
on her face.
'How many times did you hit him?'
'I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times... Just put me down for a five '
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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball
into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit
through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a
tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him!
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, 'Are
you a good golfer'?
To which the man replied: 'Got here in two, didn't I ?!?! '
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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was
standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: 'What are your golf clubs doing here'?
He looked her right in the eye and said, 'This isn't going to take all day, is
it ?!?!
Cheers - 007
New
beer soon to be sold at the Swan??
Cheers - 007
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the
administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in
your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to
start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the
assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the
workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
Cheers - 007
Revenge!!!!!!!
I
see Monica Lewinsky's back!
Cheers - 007
Al Quaeda have hidden bombs in supermarkets
inside tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti soup.
Police have said that if they go off , they could spell Disaster!!
Cheers - Cares
A WARNING TO ALL MEN!!!.... Police warn
all male clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be on
more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from women.
There is a date-rape drug going round called 'beer' and it appears
in liquid form. The drug is being used by female sexual predators at
parties to persuade male victims to have sex with them. 'Beer' is
virtually available virtually anywhere. All a woman has to do is
persuade a guy to consume a few pints of 'beer' and simply ask him
for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against such
attacks. After several 'beers' men will often succumb to performing
sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally
attracted to. Men often wake up after having 'beer' with only hazy
memories of what happened to them the night before just a vague
feeling that something had occurred. At other times these
unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam known as 'a
relationship'. Apparently men are easier victims for this scam after
the 'beer' has been administered and they have already been sexually
attacked. However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the
predatory women administering it, there are male 'support groups'
where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an
open manner with a bunch of similarly affected victims. For your
nearest support group, look up 'taverns' in the yellow pages. For a
video to see how beer works click here:
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
Cheers - Stoney C
Have you ever wondered
what cup sizes A - F really meant??
Cheers - Stoney C - needs Powerpoint viewer
What's the
difference between a wife and a prostitute?
One's contract, the other's pay-as you-go
One day a
priest was walking by a river
and saw a frog on a lily pad.
Help me, croaked the frog, once I was a beautiful choirboy but an evil witch
turned me into a frog.
The only way to reverse the spell is for me to spend the night in the bed of a
deeply religious man.
The priest took pity on the frog and took it home, placing it gently in his bed.
The next morning, lo and behold, in the place of the frog there was a beautiful choirboy.
And that your honour, concludes the case for the defence.
Cheers - Mike P
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely
candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they
do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair
done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the
man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because
she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf
clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she
presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him
because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the
£5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint
account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves
him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money
he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the
biggest tits.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of
what to do with them.
Cheers - 007
Remember the days of
good, wholesome food; little boys on bikes climbing cobbled streets with a
basket full of Hovis loaves; John and Fanny Craddock with one of the first
televised teach-yourself to cook programs?
Well this is an ad from that time of sweet innocence and simple pleasures!
Cheers -
Paul O
Don't
tell me Soldiers aren't brave - this made me weep
Cheers - GI
Cheers - 007
|
Checkout your car's air
conditioning
|
First
- set up the controls
|
Second
- install the testing unit |
Cheers - 007
Advice for ladies section
Remember
ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes. That's why it's so
important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied. If it weren't for the
excellent application of proper eye makeup this young lady probably wouldn't get
a second look from most guys...
Cheers - 007
Man says to his wife: darling what would you do if I said won the lottery?
Wife replies: I would take half, then leave you
Man replies: excellent, - I had three numbers and won a tenner, here's a fiver
now get lost!
"Dear Jonathan Ross - I've screwed your daughter.
Who's laughing now..."
lots of love - Gary Glitter X
 Blokes Corner husband of the year awards.
In conjunction with "Male Chauvinist Pig" magazine - click on image
Source: Scary - needs Powerpoint viewer
Would you do me a big favour?
I know everyone is probably asking you, but could you lend me your face for
Halloween?
cheers Mike (Povey)
85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower -
the other 15% haven't been to prison yet!
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They've bought 5 million tons of sand from the arabs and they are going to drill
for their own oil!
A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood.
All the bats get excited and asks where he got it from.
"Follow me" he says.
Off they flew over hills and dales, valleys and hills and into the dark forest.
Suddenly he stops "See that tree over there" he says
"Yes" they say
"WELL I F***ING DIDN'T!"
cheers Mike (Povey)
Husband accompanies his wife to a school
reunion.
He says " Christ, who's that pissed-up bloke asleep on the couch?"
She says "that's my ex, we split up 15 years ago and he hasn't stopped drinking
since"
Husband replies "Christ, how long can one bloke go
on celebrating for?"
Holiday snaps
from Messrs. Seward and Dangerous holidaying
in Florida.
|
You go all that way to get away from the
Swan regulars and guess who you meet? |
????? |
Stay on
Target
don't think the RAF would appreciate it
if one of their typhoons displayed this...
contribution form Paul |
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Paddy runs into the pub and
shouts to Mick "someone has stolen your car!"
Mick says "Did you see who did it?"
Paddy says "no, but I got the registration number!!"
An 83 year old pensioner has been sexually
assaulted with a hoover nozzle and left for dead.
Police say she is in intensive care, but she is picking up nicely!
I was in
B&Q the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young guy
pushing his trolley.
I said to
the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I
wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'
The young guy
said, That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't
find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
I said,
'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? '
The young
guy said, 'Well, she is 22 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes,
long legs, big boobs. She's wearing tight jeans, a tiny white t-shirt and no
bra.
What does your wife look like?'
I said,
'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
contribution form G.I.
Man asks wife what she would like for her
birthday.
She looks out of the window at the Porsche parked on next doors drive and says
"I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds"
So he went out and bought her a set of bathroom scales!
If booze is bad for you, why did Jesus turn
water into wine?
| Beer Study |
|
No wonder the groom
is smiling!
contribution form G.I. |
|
Signs that you may have had too much to drink
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes
through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse
when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the
plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no
one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE
on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they
all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a
woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he
starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He
removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and
extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
How do you fix a woman's watch? - It doesn't
matter. There is a clock on the oven....
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? - She starts her
sentence with "A man once told me..."...
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" - I said, "Dust!"...
Why do women have smaller feet than men? - It allows them to stand closer to the
sink....
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are
wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows
the town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his
father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son
in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and
rested. Then God created Woman. - Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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A wish is granted
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More Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Women
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth something
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your
breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to have a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. beer doesn't demand equality.
Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Women
1. You can enjoy a beer all night long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
5. When your beer goes flat, you chuck it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer tops come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a pub, you can always pick up a beer.
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How can you tell if your wife is dead?
- The sex is the same but the dishes pile up
How many men does it take to open a beer? - None. It
should be opened by the time she brings it
Why do women close their eyes during sex? - They can't
stand to see a man have a good time.
What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? - A women
who won't do what she's told.
Why did the woman cross the road? - That's not
the point, what's she doing out of the kitchen?
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
- A battery has a positive side
How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- 4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? -
11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..
In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is
seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm.
'Well you see, Norm, it's like
this
.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that are killed first. This natural
  selection is good for the herd as a
whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same
way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But
naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making
the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you
always feel smarter after a few beers.'
Sounds good to me.
G.I
"Cheers" G.I. - bases upon that premise - a few of the Swan regulars ought
to be contestants for Mastermind or The Brain of Britain!
The question is, What does a 23st woman look like?
Now, before you look at her pictures, get a mental
image of what you think a woman who weighs
23st looks like....
Traffic Question
Most men will get this right!
Q:
You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a
NO
PASSING
sign posted,
and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do
you:
(a)
Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for
the next 2 miles, or
(b)
Do you break the law and pass?
Which is the correct choice?
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and
watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing
the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his
groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be
fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed
her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened
his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage
for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
cheers
G.I.
As I
walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my
eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in
every city these days. Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying
every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this
persons condition.
Some people turned to stare.
Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago priest who made an admonition to 'care for the sick,
feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge
to reach out to this unfortunate person. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I
saw a
hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out!'
Growing older
Source: Stoney C.
 New Mouse designed for Women
After many years of research, scientists have
discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's.
Scientists found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is
more of a psychological problem. Some women reported that their mouse "just
didn't feel right" in their hands. Based on the research, a new mouse has been
designed especially for women
Guts or Balls...
There is a
medical distinction. We've all heard about people
having guts or balls, but do you really know the
difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is
arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the
guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you
flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is
coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your
collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having
the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the
definitions. Medically speaking, there is no
difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death.
Source: Stoney C.
A man rang the local newspaper
to place an obituary for his wife who had recently died.
He only had a pound and
could afford only 3 words.
He wrote "Margaret is dead".
The clerk felt sorry for him and paid for him to have 3 more words.
He wrote "Margaret is dead - Fiesta for sale"
How
to determine a bird's sex
Source: Scary,
needs Microsoft Powerpoint Viewer and sound |
How
men's underwear should be advertised
Source: Scary,
needs Windows media player and sound |
 Why
are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. |
Ultimate Female Body
piercing. Not for the faint hearted!!!
Men all over the country are urging their wives and sweethearts to get
this 'chic' procedure. The private clinic waiting list in the country
now exceeds 10,000 so get in quick. In special cases it can be funded
with a NHS/marriage guidance grant.
Many men feel it is well worth it
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What is the difference between a golf
ball and the G-spot? - a bloke will take ten minutes looking for a golf
ball |
Harley Davidson have released two new
models for 2008
courtesy of Cares -
Women's' rights campaigner |
Male
Model |
Female Model |
You have just walked out of the church after
your delightful wedding ceremony and on the church steps, both your families are applauding
you with a hundred friends gathered around. The
photographer raises his camera and following
your family's tradition, both of you are
holding beautiful live white doves which you
will release together. Bride and groom stand
happily shoulder to shoulder with a dove gently
held in both hands as everyone eagerly awaits
the climax of your marriage vows. The
photographer gives the ready signal and you open
your hands toward the sky and release the doves
as a symbol of your eternal love. Not a dry eye
anywhere, such a moving sight, the camera
flashes and the moment is captured for all
eternity.............
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A husband and wife are shopping in a supermarket
when the man picks up a crate of lager and sticks it in the trolley.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans", he says.
"Put them back, we can't afford it" says the wife, and they continue shopping.
A little later, the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the
trolley.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the man.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful" she says
"So do 12 cans of lager and it's half the price" the man replies |
| Definition of a mistress - something between a
mister and a mattress |
A guy arrives home with a Duck
under his arm and announces, "This is the pig I've been screwing all
these years when you're not up for it."
His wife says, "I think you'll find that's not a pig, that's a
Duck."
The man replies, "I think you will find I wasn't talking to you."
cheers Paul |
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