skittles/crib/golf

please send contributions to news@theswanhanham.co.uk

golf
 

Tour 2010 details Thurs 6th May until Sunday 9th May

Thursday Playing at Bramshaw Golf Club on the Manor Course.  Full English Bramshaw breakfast on arrival. 18 holes of golf. Tour 2010 countdown clock (days:hours:mins:secs)

Friday  Playing at Dudsbury Golf Course. 18 holes of golf. Plus Ham Egg & chips

Saturday  Playing Meyrick Park Golf Club   18 holes of golf. Plus Lamb roast dinner.

Sunday  Playing Bath Golf Course (Sham Castle)  18 holes of Golf. Plus Roast beef dinner & desert.

Golf Snippets

Mayor gets battered	Cares in supreme form hammers the Mayor 5 and 4. Kendleshire Feb 2010
Birthday Massacre	Birthday boy Cares and Shorty get hammered 7 and 5 by the awesome pairing of Dangerous and the Mayor. Lansdown Dec 09
Hole in One	Knowlesy had a hole in one (for the second time) on the Autumn jolly boys day out. He is finding it increasingly difficult to understand why Seward and Dangerous cannot notch up their first. (see pic below)
The Swan Majors	The Mayor added the Swan Open to the Red Fleece to complete a clean sweep of the 2009 honours.
Lessons for Shorty	After scoring a disappointing 16 at Ross on Wye (too many trees on the right), Shorty has booked some golfing lessons at Stockwood Golf club with their miracle working professional.
Dorset Tour May 09	Fordy joins the hole in one club - see below
Dangerous May 09	Net 60 on the Crown playing off 13 - Handicap Secretary on the case - watch this space!
Kendleshire shock	Dangerous and Seward from the Park beat Cares and Shorty on their own tump!!
2010 Ryder Cup	Puffer reigns supreme at Celtic Manor - see report below
Hallelujah!!	Dangerous 12.6, Cooke 14.8 official handicaps The Park - Feb 09
Shock Result	Cares & Puffer destroy golf kings Seward & Dangerous 3 & 2 at the Players
Annihilation 3	Cookie & Danny Mogg go down 6 and 4 to the dream team of Dangerous & Seward on the Cromwell including 6 birdies!!!
Annihilation 2	Seward and the Mayor go down 6 and 5 without winning a hole to Dangerous and Knowlesy (off of 24???)
Dangerous	Congrats. to reigning club champion Mark Bryant who nearly did it again coming third in the Kobbler - 36 holes - Crown & Cromwell
Seward	After my round of 75, competitive Seward had to do better. He went round in 73. (Crown Course) Needs to be noted! - snippet from Dangerous - cards to handicap secretary? - snippet from the Mayor
Dangerous	Dangerous shoots 75 on the Crown in the morning after a heavy night on the Natch following the Essex Golf Day. Still 15 handidap???
The Mayor	23 points on the first nine holes at the Kendleshire (v The Essex) to put them 5 up after nine - Scary's contribution not required
Annihilation	Despite the brave and valiant attempts of Knowlesy, who felt as though he was carrying his partner -  Seward, they lost 7 and 6 to the awesome pairing of Pig and Dangerous - Crown, The Park - July 08
The One Show	The Mayor joined the Swan exclusive hole-in-one club with a majestic strike holing the par 3 sixth hole at The Park. See picture above right - apologies for the Don Estelle shorts!
Shorty 47	Shorty carded 47 points at Royal Mango including 27 points on the front 9. Doris McSquirter, from the Guinness Book of Records, is checking to see if this is a new world record!
Hole in 1	Knowlesy donned the plus fours, and with his elegant and graceful swing, struck the ball sweetly landing just past  the hole, back-spin applying the finish. 4th Hole, Crown Course, The Park, May 08
Tour May 08 result	Dangerous - Red Fleece, Coops - overall winner, Rowey and Dangerous - weekend pairs winners
Golf result	The Mayor 42 pts. (2 blobs, no dodgy leg)- Snooks 39pts. Cromwell Course - The Park - Apr 2008
Golf result (again!)	Shorty 46pts (with 1 blob)!! - carrying dodgy leg - Cumberwell - Apr 2008
Scary	The Mayor played golf  with a member of Kingsdown the other day. He worked for Avon Rubber at Melksham and worked with a bloke nicknamed "Scary". Lives in Hanham, likes a pint - can't place him!?
300+ yards anywhere	Dangerous as normal - lost balls all over the course - needs to date as well as mark balls from now on
Belfry News 1	Snooks wins individual prize - still unhappy - still not allowed any shoelaces or sharp implements
Belfry News 2	Puff Daddy majestic front 9 - half-way house - can of Heineken reached the parts - wheels came off
300+ yards Straight	With the assistance of Nick Carter, Dangerous corrects swing fault and is heading for scratch status
Worry & Concern	Snooks is now on suicide watch - game's falling apart - everything in his favour is going against him!
Golf Day 29th Feb	Snooks in winning team - Bob, Phil, Coops - plus wins individual - longest drive Rob - nearest pin - Fordy
Handicap bad news	Snooks given 18 by The Park - do we demand a recount? We could organise a petition.
Tour money	Balance required by 16 March
Tour handicaps	Surprisingly low handicaps for some on the forthcoming 2008 Tour  - we've still got the records!
Tour result	Tubby and Coops have (almost) paid their full tour money - they want an early settlement discount!
Golf result	The Mayor 43 pts. - Snooks 39pts. - Seward 36pts. - Crown Course - The Park - Feb 2008
Golf result	Shorty 46pts (with 2 blobs)!! - Kendleshire - Feb 2008

Golf Day 26th Feb 2010	coffee & bacon roll homemade steak pie chips & peas Coach
	The Swan Winter Golf Day - Monday 28th December 2009 - Cumberwell Golf Club
	The Swan Autumn Golf Day - Friday 6th November 2009   Nearest the pin PIG Longest Drive The Mayor Winning Team Puffer, Shorty & Fordy Overall winner Shorty Hole in One for Knowlsey
	The Swan Summer  Golf Day - Sunday 30th August - The Park Tricky lie 1 Tricky lie 2 Last year's winner  - Dangerous presents  the old putter to 2009 winner - The Mayor Winning Team Terry, Derek & Nick
	The Swan Golf Tour May 14 - 17 2009 Details and Links report to follow 2009 Golf tour handicaps after final day   Almize 13.6 Darbs 24.5 Fordy 7.9 Shorty 14.6 Seaweed 2.4 Scary 5.4 Rowey 7.9 Carts 1.3 Stoney 6.2 Dangerous 6.1 Pig 16.8 Snooks 8.6 Knowlesy 20.0 Puffer 24.5 Joe 34.0 Sid 22.5 Lewey 8.9 Barry 15.3 Spenny 13.4 The Mayor 18 Moggy 24.4 Ben 25.5 The Ferret 18.5 007 22.8
	The Swan Spring Golf Day - Friday 20th March "The 2010 Ryder Cup experience"  Celtic Manor The hills were alive with the sound of sheep, as the Swan dirty dozen made their way to the home of Welsh golf. Twelve men taking on the big 2010 Ryder Cup course. As we arrived, our own personal Welsh man collected our sticks and took us to our own personal lockers. To say the clubhouse and its surroundings were a bit posh is an understatement, but at least the Mayor felt at home. Look at the view said the Mayor, where's the bar (?) said a couple of others. I don't think Monty would have been to impressed with our warm up, but why change the habits of a life time. After a couple of throat stretchers, it was down to the practice area for a another type of warm up. The starter asked puffer his tactics to master the course. He replied - if the balls going forward it's another shot nearer the bar! Wise words from the master of disaster. The teams were drawn and battle was about to commence. The first fourball out were Shorty, Puffer, Dangerous & Moggy D - nicknamed numptys by the landlord. They were followed by the dream team of Lewy, Rowey, Fordy & Care's. The last four to go out were Moggy J, the Mayor, Pimmy & the mighty golfing legend Seward. It took about 5 hours to get round but would have been quicker if lime green boy had not jumped in - but then again if you pay £3.500 to join you can do anything you want. As the teams were sat on the balcony after their rounds, tales of wonder shots came out, like the dream team all winning free rounds by hitting the 10th green. Care's getting over the water in two on the par 5 18th - only 545 yards! Shorty hitting a straight shot for once to win longest drive & Dangerous just being dangerous. Who won I hear you cry - of course team numpty took the team prize, Shorty won the longest banana drive, Rowey nearest the pin and overall winner was that well know golfing guru Puffer with a total score of 32 points. Overall the opinion of the guys was the course was not in the greatest of nick, but it was nice to say that we had played on the hollowed turf and lost balls with the best of them. After a hearty meal of mega portions it was back on the coach and off to a choice of venues - St Mary Redcliffe church for a evening of brass rubbing & organ cleaning, or a pub crawl of Hotwells (near God's country), First stop the Nova Scotia, a nice little quiet establishment that served a nice drop of rat tail cider. Over the road to the Pump House for more rat tail cider, and then on to the Rose of Denmark for some more rat tail cider. In the two hours, we had many a laugh. Like the regular in the Nova who said he had drink rat tail all his life and never been sick, shat himself a few times but never had been sick, Spoofing in the Pump House and the Mayor tracking down a piano in the Rose of Denmark and keeping the boys happy with playing his full playlist from his no 1 album "Derek Duval plays - you hum it I'll play it sing-along jive bunny stars on 45 mega party mix". It was then back on the coach and heading back for Gerry's prices (thank God £4 a pint at the Celtic Manor). There was still time for a quick rendition of the top download song of the month "and Seward says you won f-all". Joe said his farewells and the boys finished the night singing away to Warren and thinking - where did it all go wrong - happy days. A couple of quotes from the day: "i dedicate that win for the common people of Lower Hanham and surrounding area's" - Dave "Puffer" Riley. "anyone know a good piano tuner?"   - Derek "The Mayor" Duval. "not gin again Shorty" - Rich "mothers ruin" Carey. "I loves this rat tail cider - I can drink it all night" - Mark "home by nine" (Dangerous) Bryant. "best golf day ever, Knowlsie"  - Nick "golfing robot - the wheels have come off" Seward Great day out, thanks to the boys who did the leg work once again. One things for sure you always know Swan golf days are great days and it beats working ? happy days yours in sport puffer. ps 6 weeks till tour. even happier days!! Thanks Big Man, a career (non-paying) awaits you in journalism - DB   Longest Drive - Shorty Nearest the pin - Rowey Winning Team Individual Winner - Puffer
	The Swan Winter 2  Golf Day - Friday 20th Feb  - Isle of Wedmore at "The Batch" Winning Team Longest Drive - Rob Individual Winner Nearest the pin - Joe

The Swan Winter Golf Day - Monday 29th December - Cumberwell Golf Club Controversy No. 2 - who nicked the cracker? First the good news. Twenty four hardy golfers met at 7.45 for a course briefing at the Swan, before leaving on the coach for Cumberwell Golf Club. The weather being cold but bearable, a good day was had by all apart from Mr. Seward who was somewhat miffed because his banker source of income i.e. the individual prize, was not staged this year. A suitable song/chant was composed for the occasion! Cards were drawn for the groupings, and the quartet of The Judge, Spenney, Kev and James won the competition with a total of 46 points. Longest drive produced a shock result when Dangerous out drove everyone else. Hedgey won nearest the pin on a rock hard 7th hole. It being Danny's birthday, he presented the prizes. The day was finished off with a stop on the way back and a Karaoke session at the Swan. Now the bad news The Swan Golf Society is rightly proud of its reputation of being impeccably behaved when on society days. Many Golf clubs have commented on our standard of conduct and behaviour, along with our unwavering dedication to boosting their bar income. With this in mind, we totally refute any accusations of theft. Admittedly, there was a large room next to ours which was set out for the New Years Eve dinner/dance, but we are totally confident no-one from our Society nicked a cracker from a table. If necessary we'll get that lawyer who got O J Simpson off several years ago to fight our case. Let them produce their evidence!!

Email from Mr. Carey "Dangerous and Seward finding good use for the bin on the 17th at The Players on Wed." see golf snippet below
Spin the Dick! Spotted in the Woo-Woo bar on a recent visit to The Molesworth Inn at Wadebridge  - this pic for will jog the memories of tour members!!

The Swan Autumn Golf Day - Friday 7th Nov  - Bath Golf Club

Participants	Winning Team Shorty, Cares, Seward & The Mayor 89pts	Winner Seward 39pts!!	Nearest Pin Almize
Longest Drive Puffer	Expectant father Joe

The Swan Summer Golf Day - Sunday 24th Aug 2008  - The Park - Crown Course

Winner Dangerous 44pts!!	Runner up Lewey 38pts	Winning Team Sid, Rowey, Dangerous & 007 99pts	Longest Drive Rowey
Nearest Pin Snooks

The Swan v Essex Golf Day - Friday August 1st 2008 - The Kendleshire
 

Golf Terminolgy

A Diego Maradonna - Nasty little five footer. An Adolf Hitler - Taking two shots in a bunker An O.J. Simpson - Somehow got away with it A Kate Moss - A bit thin A Salman Rushdie - An impossible read A Rock Hudson - Thought it was straight, but it wasn't The Durex shot - sexy, if you can pull it off. A Gerry Adams - provisional A Tony Blair - a bad lie The Mrs Robinson shot - you should not be taking it on but it just looks so very tempting. A Michael Jackson - gradually fading An Elvis - caught in a trap A Dennis Wise - Another nasty little five footer.

A Paula Radcliffe - Ugly, but a good runner A Kate Winslett - A bit fat but otherwise perfect A Sister-in-law - Up there but I know that I shouldn't be Putting like a gynaecologists assistant - Shaving the hole. A Ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems A Monica Lewinsky - All lip no hole A Glen Miller - didn't get over the water A Son-in-law" - not what you wanted, but it'll do A Cuban - needed one more revolution A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result A Douglas Bader - no legs

After his recent hole in one, we have received an email from Mr Knowles which asks us to : "point out that Messrs Seward & Dangerous are yet to achieve this feat!!!" Current members of the exclusive club: Messrs. C Stone (twice), Carey, Short, Knowles (twice), Bryant, Ford (anyone else?)

The Swan Golf Tour 2008 May 8 to11   click on image for pics

2008 Golf tour handicaps after final day   Almize 13.8 Darbs 22.0 Fordy 2.8 Shorty 11.8 Seaweed 0.9 Scary 1.2 Rowey 4.0 Carts 1.0 Stoney 10.9 Dangerous 6.2 Pig 15.8 Snooks 6.3 Tubbs 17.7 Puffer 20.9 Joe 31.0 Sid 24.8 Lewey 8.6 Barry 16.8 Britney 9.8 The Mayor 14.8 Coops 25.0 Dags 27.0 The Ferret 17.4 007 19.0

2007 Golf tour handicaps for the final day (washed out)

pics from Chris Stone The Swan  v Hanham Athletic F.C. Thurs 27 Dec Cumberwell Golf Club

Tour details 2008 Including golf course web links

archive golf tour pics

Spot the ball competition

The Swan Golf Society was formed back in the early 1990's and organise various society days out during the year, along with the infamous 4 day tour in May ( going to Bournemouth in 2009).
We also play other pubs and currently hold the Swan v Essex salver which is proudly displayed behind the bar (next to the golfing owl)! Current score Swan 4 Essex 0

Fixtures on the calendar include the summer golf day at the end of August (usually the Sunday before the Bank Holiday), where the usual rubbish prizes are there to be won. After the golf  we return to The Swan for a BBQ and this year we had a Karaoke session.

Quite a few of the regulars in the Swan are golfers and are members of local clubs.

Skittles
Skittles is becoming increasingly popular at The Swan with the alley being used most nights apart from weekends.
The alley is also available for private functions

CROSS KEYS win League C  Kingswood Front First Skittles League

We are looking for new teams to play skittles next season (Winter), available days at the moment are alternate Mondays and every Thursday.

A complimentary platter of sausages, chips and bread & butter is provided during the evening. 
enquiries@theswanhanham.co.uk
 

Summer Skittles Presentation Night
Friday 21 Aug 2009

crib

Teams play at The Swan on Tuesday and Thursday evenings and are members of local leagues.
The Swan (Tuesday) is ably captained by Clive Burrett.
The "skipper" for The Swan (Thursday) is Pete (Crowbar) Crowley.